MONSTER BITCH

Not a whole lot of food/beer related news going on in my life right now, other than the fact that I need to eat/drink considerably less amounts of both of these things. How about some random, angry bullshit?

~

As I settled into my bland, beige colored cubicle this morning, coffee in hand, ready to conquer all things corporate with a fresh Half Windsor applied to my red/plaid-patterned “power tie,” I received my daily agenda notice from Google Calendar, thus prompting this early morning rant.



I’ve clearly had great luck with women, but this one in particular continues to slowly absorb my soul into its clutches as if she were a possessed Scotch-Brite dish sponge.

SallieMae came into my life in the summer of 2007, as I had recently finished my illustrious undergraduate career with a degree in generic, good-luck-applying-this-anywhere bullshit, and was continuing to wait tables at a restaurant most likely created by Satan. On this particular Monday morning serving adventure, I had an epiphany along the lines of “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?” Not long after, I was on my way back to school, confident in my decision to spend the rest of my life as a student, which sounded much more enjoyable than dealing with the fat, cranky, shamelessly cheap, small-salad-ordering/iced-tea chugging creatures for another day.

This is around the time where I met her. We met online. She was amazing. She promised me everything. Even promised to aid in the funding my educational endeavors. I would have to pay her back of course, which I always understood. But I couldn't have asked for anything more. Suddenly, all of my financial woes vanished and I’ve been off filling my brain with knowledge ever since.

We went together like beer and peanuts.
Wine and cheese.
Scotch and ice.
Being drunk and smoking cigarettes.

Fast forward to now.

SallieMae has become a living, breathing, monster bitch. It’s not like I’m trying to avoid responsibility and never pay anything back. Ok...maybe that’s not necessarily true, but if I do have to pay her back for the next billion years, I’d at least like her to be organized about it. I mean get your shit together hon. She randomly changes her mind about how much I owe her per month and when it’s due.

Suddenly we’re like vodka and milk.
Gin and coffee.
Rum and babies.
Being drunk and...not smoking cigarettes.

To make things worse, she has really dumb friends. She tells said friends to harass me on a monthly basis, changing my re-payment plan in a whimsical fashion, while generally acting like ignorant fucking ass-clowns on a regular occasion. Need some proof? Have look at the following email chain between me and her friend, Caitlin:

___________________________________________________________

From: xxxxxxxx@GMAIL.COM
Date: 11/10/2010 8:47:44 AM
To: INTERNET-BSS@salliemae.com
Subject: I am/ will be enrolled in school [BSS ID=49335][BSS DATE=11/10/10]
Account No: XXXXXXXXX

Hi. I've noticed my re-payment options have instantly changed again. Just love when that happens. Yesterday my Sallie Mae loan amount for repayment was about $50.00, today it's about $360.00. And...it’s due in 3 days! Oh snap! This is so awesome. Anyways, in the spring I will be taking 6 credits, which will put me back at part-time status. Will my loans go back into deferment automatically at that point? Or will I have to apply again? Also, once I finish grad school next fall, will I get any kind of grace period in regards to my repayment beginning?

Thanks in advance
David C. Lord
____________________________

reply-to: internet-bss@salliemae.com
to: xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
date: Thu, Nov 11, 2010 at 12:00 PM
subject: Re: I am/ will be enrolled in school [BSS ID=49335][BSS DATE=11/10/10] [#78416]
mailed-bysalliemae.com

Dear Theodore J. Berman,

Thank you for your inquiry and for your business with Sallie Mae.

If your school is a member of the National Student Clearinghouse, it will be necessary for you to have your school update your enrollment information with the Clearinghouse. This information is sent to us electronically and enables us to update your account information and defer your payments. If your school is not a member of the Clearinghouse, you may download a deferment request form from your Manage Your Loans account at our Web site at www.SallieMae.com.

Your Signature Student loan gets only one 6 month grace period. According to our records, your six month grace period began 06/04/09 and ended 12/03/09. When you re-enroll in school, your loans will enter an in school deferment status. This means that once you are no longer enrolled in school, your loans will enter repayment.If we may be of further assistance, please visit our Web site at www.salliemae.com.  

Sincerely,

Caitlin, Your Sallie Mae Email Representative
____________________________

from: xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
to: internet-bss@salliemae.com
date: Thu, Nov 11, 2010 at 12:07 PM
subject: Re: I am/ will be enrolled in school [BSS ID=49335][BSS DATE=11/10/10] [#78416]
mailed-bygmail.com

Gee thanks for the info Caitlin, but WHO THE HELL IS THEODORE J. BERMAN

Regards,

David C. Lord
____________________________

from: Internet-Bss <internet-bss@salliemae.com>
reply: -tointernet-bss@salliemae.com
to: xxxxxxxx@gmail.com
date: Thu, Nov 11, 2010 at 12:08 PM
subject: Re: I am/ will be enrolled in school [BSS ID=49335][BSS DATE=11/10/10] [#78416]
mailed-bysalliemae.com

Thank you for your email.  We will send a reply as soon as possible.
Please do not respond to this email.  It is an auto-response.  By responding to this email, you could possibly delay the response to your initial inquiry.
____________________________

And that’s that. See what I mean? They can't even get my name right.

So what’s the moral to this story? Stay away from SallieMae. She may seem like the love of your life, but there are probably better options out there.

I think I’ll go eat a block of cheese.

- Fat Kid